Everyone’s favorite “acting” Governor (hah–see what I did there?), Arnold Schwarzenegger, has just released his new budget plan. If he had released the details in a speech, it would’ve went something like this:
“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m happy to announce that I’ve come up with a bold new plan to improve our state and enrich all of our lives.
As part of this groundbreaking initiative, I promise to shut down one out of every five public parks. And, rest assured that nothing but the most mediocre education is good enough for Cali-fornia’s students, because I’ll make it my personal business to slash the education budget by ten percent–that’s four billion dollars that won’t be holding back our kids any longer!
But wait, there’s more! Our streets have never been safer than they will be after today, because I’m flooding them with 22,000 newly released state prison inmates. It is my firm belief that this powerful plan will result in lower crime, because these inmates will obviously scare all the other criminals out of their lives of crime. I say, why overpopulate the prisons when we can simply overpopulate our streets?
Finally, I’m going to show these welfare moms who’s boss, and at long last hold their children accountable for their actions. That’s right, the children of welfare recipients who fail to get a job will no longer have those wasteful benefits turning them into lazy babies. No, I’m not cutting benefits to the welfare recipients–I’m explicitly cutting the benefits of their children. Just like I am for the do-nothing deaf and blind. That’s right: thanks to me, disabled citizens will have no aid at their disposal by the end of the decade.
But I’ll tell you who’s not blind: this administration. We’ve heard your cry for a dumber, dirtier, and less safe society–and finally we’re doing something about it. And what’s more, thanks to these new budget cuts, the state will almost make a profit this year–only 14.8 billion dollars in debt!
Oh, and I almost forgot. Look at my American Flag Lapel Pin. That means I love America, vote for me. God bless America. God bless you. And God bless God, I guess. I mean God needs a blessing too, right? God bless us, everyone. Except the Islamic Fascists.
Thank you.”
To read a less satirical take, feel free to click here.
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